It’s been a while. Writing has been hard. Partly because of my schedule but mostly because of my heart. I recently found myself bawling on my friends couch about the anger and pain that has intruded into my heart. Old mistakes of those close to me. Friendships lost due to choices. The constant longing for ministry yet choosing to start a career that can be tiring, and the desire of marriage that grows deeper with every bridal shower and baby announcement of each friend. It has become easy to feel, well forgotten. Until something unexpected taught me a valuable message.
a few weeks ago I realized a dime was laying on my bathroom counter as i was brushing my teeth. i’m not sure where it came from but i left it as i finished getting ready. i got in my car to go to work and as I put my coffee in the cup holder something silver caught my attention. 2 dimes. “oh, those are from the parking permit days at school,” i told myself. throughout the day dimes seemed to follow me. at target. at work. in parking lots. the following days i continued to see them. sometimes in the same places (the bathroom counter one that I never moved) and sometimes other random places. it didn’t matter if I had already seen them in a particular spot or they were in a new spot, my reaction was one of surprise.
as the days went on i remembered a conversation i had with a girl in february. she told me about how her mom was collecting pennies for and organization and she told her mom she would collect some for her. she didn’t really believe that collecting pennies could make a difference so she wasn’t all that excited about this. she talked about how she would walk past pennies continuously but wouldn’t pick them up until one day God spoke to her. He showed her that she was neglecting to pick up more than just pennies. how He provided things for her through His word, fellowship with others, and was constantly speaking to her but as she was worried about different things she was neglecting to pick up the provision and faithfulness He was giving.
what have i neglected to pick up?
i looked up the significance of a dime, the number 10 and tried to find anything that could show me what God was trying to tell me.
so i ignored the dimes. or at least tried to.
that didn’t work either, so I started to ask God to show me.
i finally decided to look up again significance with dimes.
on the back of a dime there are 3 things. an olive branch. a torch. a oak branch.
olive branches symbolize peace.
Peace. I need peace. Peace in the waiting. Peace in the wondering. Peace in the staying close when I feel like wandering and making things happen in my timing. Peace. That alone was good. I needed to pick up peace daily, sometimes even secondly.
But God wanted to show me more than peace.
Hope. A word I got to know well last year. It seems in my waiting I often lose hope. I start to believe that God doesn’t care about the desires I have. That He isn’t listening to the aches of my heart. The moments I start to lose hope I gain anger. The moments I lose hope I lose my sight of who my Daddy is. The faithfulness of His being. I need hope. I need hope not in my circumstances but in my God. Knowing that He and He alone will give me the things I need. That He cares about those desires and no matter what happens I can hope in Himbecause He is good. He seems to constantly remind me not to lose hope in the moments when I want let go of all hopes.
He wasn’t done though.
oak branch. Strength. Steadfast.
Oaks are known for their strength and for lasting years even centuries. Oaks symbolize strength and endurance. I immediately thought of Hebrews 10:36 “For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised.”
Endurance. I need endurance in the waiting. In the day after day routines. I need endurance.
Through the waiting God is faithful. He is doing something in these areas and is reminding me to pick up what I need and He’s so graciously provided. Because of Him I can wait. Be it another day, month or 10 years.
“Then Joseph said to Pharaoh, “The dreams of Pharaoh are one; God has revealed to Pharaoh what he is about to do. And the doubling of Pharaoh’s dream means that the thing is fixed by God, and God will shortly bring it about.” Genesis 41:25, 32 ESV