Want to know what’s really hard? being all there.
“We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!” 1 Corinthians 13:12 MSG
In life we go through times of fog. Seasons of not understating the circumstances we are facing. When I can’t see through this fog I find it easy to run to my imagination to escape the lack of knowing and create a world where I can control. Fantasy.
I was talking to my best friend last week about the difference between fantasy and dreaming. She was sharing how she believes that God created us as dreamers yet we settle to live in fantasy.
Fantasy arises when we don’t like reality so we create a world in our mind that feels better but isn’t because it’s not real. Dreams are things that too start in the imagination but are achievable. They are things you can put action to. Things you can choose to do.
Right now the circumstance I want to escape from is singleness. I know, I know you’re probably thinking, “Really? Our nation is going down, people are dying, being sold as sex slaves, abuse is at an all time high, there are bigger things to want to escape from! And you’re biggest struggle is being single?!” Okay you might not be thinking that but the voice of criticism in me says that daily.
I’ve been wrestling with the belief that God doesn’t want to give me marriage. I think that He looks down at me as I struggle and sometimes (especially recently) grieve the fact that I don’t have that life long best friend to come home to. To dream with. To serve God beside. To just be with. I think God is once again up there throwing His hands in the air saying, “Really, Monique?”
But then I look at the choices I have made over the past 7 years. Choices of getting emotionally healthy, saying no to guys I know aren’t worth my time, and removing my heart from situations that cause hope to fade. I see people choosing to live in unhealth yet have the thing I want most.
So why am I desiring marriage if I feel that God is against me? Why have I chosen to do these things? Because I dream of having a GREAT marriage. I dream of being married to the same man for the rest of my life. I dream of us serving God relentlessly together. I dream of our story inspiring those around us and seeing the God within us constantly working in and through us. I dream of those things so I choose to achieve those things.
And God put that in me. So He’s not against that dream.
He created the unique desire for me to be a wife. He sculpted and molded my very DNA with that desire. Not matter how many marriages I’ve seen ripped apart by addictions, affairs, petty drama, I still believe in marriage. I still believe that it is possible to have a marriage where a man and a woman are pursuing God together. I choose to believe that. And if God put it in me I believe He has it for me.
As I was talking to God about this, I felt Him saying that we need to stop treating singleness as if its a problem that needs to be fixed and look at it as what it is. A season to enjoy. People have told me that it’s when they stop looking their spouse comes. Or when they started pursuing God 100%, but often times that’s discouraging. Why? Because I’ve done those things and he’s still not here. I’ve served and pursued. I’ve taken seasons of not focusing on marriage or “looking”.
So where does that leave me? Where does that leave you?
It leaves us to surrender it to Him constantly.
Surrender comes when we choose to trust that God put the strong desire to be married in our heart when He made us, and trusting His timing to bring it when He wants to.
It’s found in the belief that He won’t put something in us that He’s not going to provide for, grow, and ultimately use for His Kingdom.
Surrender is found in laying down our agendas for someone else’s journey.
Surrender is found in letting go of building someone up in our heads to make us feel better.
Surrender is found in allowing God to continue to use us.
Surrender is found in not doing things (leading someone on, texting them, talking about them to your friends, etc) simply because we’re lonely and want to feel better about ourselves.
To those that are in hopes of finding that person to walk along side you, trust God. I’m not going to tell you those little cliche things because frankly I am tired of hearing them myself. But at the end of the day what people mean when they say those things is to trust Him. Building trust in Him is the best thing you can do in e v e r y season. Marriage will not satisfy every part of us. We will still need God. Instead of over focusing on the things you don’t have in this season choose to see things from the perspective of what you do have. If you have people in your life that are married ask them questions don’t feel disqualified because someone isn’t in your life. Marriage isn’t arrival. It is a season.
To those that are married, can I give you some advice? Pray for the singles around you. Share your journey with them. Show them things they can do now that will prepare them to be the best spouse they can be. But don’t forget how it felt when you too wanted that person by your side. Sometimes we make things feel small and forget how big the struggle was for us. Don’t shrink the feelings down but encourage those around you to trust God and see things from a new perspective.
No matter where you are on the relationship spectrum, trusting in Him and seeing His faithful character is a common thread in life. And one day we will look back and see that even in the fog He was there. Even in the fog He was leading us closer to Him. Through every season, circumstance, joy and trial He is doing something to bring you to a closer understanding of who He is and that dear friends is worth it all.