The Journey: I Just Can’t 

““Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going.” Thomas said to him, “Lord, we do not know where you are going. How can we know the way?”

God’s grace these last 3-4 months has been everywhere. To simply say that He has carried me is an understatement. He has literally held my heart together in the hardest season I’ve ever faced. Last Sunday a lot of things hit me. For a minute grieving was what needed to be done and so that’s what I did. 

Grief doesn’t care where you are or who you’re around it will come and not back down until you give in and for a moment let your heart hurt. 

I don’t think I’ve been too open with what exactly is going on with my family and personal life right now but as you’ve read in the blogs about my dad, theres a few in the archives, he had bladder cancer and it’s taken a turn for the worse spreading to other organs and causing him to be in horrific pain. I tried to talk to him this weekend but he wasn’t coherent. There’s nothing that I want more than to be able to be in Virginia by his side but I can’t be. I’m here on the other side of the US. Speaking of being here, my grandpa was sent home this week on hospice because cancer has taken over his bones. To see my once lively, always fixing things, kid in a 76  year old mans body, stuck to a bed, weak and exhausted is hard. 

Why? Why does sorrow come in like a flood?

 Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you had known me, you would have known my Father also. From now on you do know him and have seen him.” Philip said to him, “Lord, show us the Father, and it is enough for us.” Jesus said to him, “Have I been with you so long, and you still do not know me, Philip? Whoever has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, ‘Show us the Father’? Do you not believe that I am in the Father and the Father is in me? The words that I say to you I do not speak on my own authority, but the Father who dwells in me does his works. Believe me that I am in the Father and the Father is in me, or else believe on account of the works themselves. “Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes in me will also do the works that I do; and greater works than these will he do, because I am going to the Father. Whatever you ask in my name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask me anything in my name, I will do it.”

‭‭John‬ ‭14:1-14‬ ‭ESV‬‬

My mom and I were talking the other day and she said, ” I just don’t get it. I don’t understand where God is in all of this.” In that moment God started to remind her that He was in the moment that we got approved to love in the house RIGHT next door to my grandparents 13 years ago. He was in the moment that my aunt moved in. He was in the moment where I get to take a break  from a life of outside ministry. He was in a moment where siblings and cousins and children got their lives together so that they could have the opportunity to be all there. He was in those previous moments. Years before tragedy struck working and orchestrating things so that when today arrived we would be ready. 

Talk about the grace of God. 

I’ve had two main conversations, that I remember, where the other person has looked at me and said something along the lines of, you are a woman of character or you’re handling all of this so well. The only thing I can say back is I’m trying. That’s all. God is doing everything in me and helping me deal with what’s around me. Truth is I’m not handling it even the slightest on my own. God has been 100% with me through this season. 

Written 11/4/2015 update coming soon

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