Sitting in the optometrists office I remember him looking at my mom then me. His words surprisingly stung. “You no longer need to wear glasses!” He said with a smile. Most 8 year old girls would’ve been ecstatic. Not me. I sat there and cried. Was it because having glasses was better? Not really. I got teased even more when I had to wear them.
Last week I found that 8 year old girl again. We were filming my story for the U Matter Campaign this year. I had told my self the days prior that things would be okay. Great even. But there was still a huge part of me that didn’t want to film because I don’t like being on that side of the camera. That morning I decided to wear one of my favorite outfits that I felt comfortable in and had a millions apologies to say to Grant about how I’m just an awkward person in front of the camera and there’s not much I can do about it. (No of which I said). So I show up. I put on my extroverted mindset and try to be excited about it. I mean this is another form of adventuring right?
“So you can’t wear your glasses.” Grant said plainly. Those words kinda went straight to the soul. I reluctantly took them off but that’s when the thoughts really started going. Here I was filming about how I had broken out of the lifestyle of fear and now live in freedom yet insecurity plagued me.
This past week I found myself crying out to God telling him I feel like a mess. Most days if I allow my head to get kicked in I feel like an irresponsible 24 year old single girl who sponges off of her mom and will stay stuck in this cycle of life for all of eternity. yikes a little too personal? Maybe. But I always find that I am the only one who really thinks that about myself, seeing that I work 2 jobs pretty much full time, have kept and paid off car loans, have my BA degree, and everything else that’s done points to the inner drive of my being. A responsible person. This particular day I just told God, “I’m such a mess. I feel like everything in my hands is a mess. Ministry, finances, family, mind, running schedules, EVERYTHING”. In that moment He gently met me with, “Monique you are altogether”… Immediately mind mind finished the statement, “beautiful darling there is no flaw in thee. Ya ya I know God but I don’t know if you heard me. I’m not feeling ugly. I feel like a me–” “Monique you are all together. I didn’t make you incomplete”.
I don’t know if this even makes sense but I felt compelled to right this simply for you to know that even on your most insecure messiest unpleasant days you are altogether. Not because of anything that you have done but because of who’s you are.